After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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