These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
