the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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