I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
