I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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