So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
