So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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