just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need moral support for this bender
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
