thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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