I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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