it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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