Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
