She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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