so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
