Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
