I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
