I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
