ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
