I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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