I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
