my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
