I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
