You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
