I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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