Whod you bang
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
