Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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