You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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