WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
