Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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