I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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