god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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