The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
