I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
