covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
