I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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