i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
