..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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