Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
