On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
