somebody snuck up and got me drunk
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
