I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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