matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
