I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Randomize
