but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
