If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
