tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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