nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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