i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
