take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
