I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
