just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
