I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
