Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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