I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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