Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
