this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
