I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
