Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize