omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
