I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
