you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
